I haven't blogged in a while because so much has been going on in my life these past couple of months! I had to hospitalized again in February because I lost consciousness and since then my life has just been a crazy roller coaster of ups and downs both mentally and physicaly. I was send home with an NG tube and two weeks later had a PEG tube placed which hurt like hell! I was in so much pain that I could hardly move and had to go everywhere in a wheel chair for 2 weeks straight and after already having being stuck in a wheel chair in the hospital for 2 weeks because I was physically unable to walk ( though thankfully physical therapy helped me get back on my feet right before my discharge) I was beyond frustrated! I just felt like giving up and felt so hopeless inside. I thought my life was over. I was depended on EVERYONE. I felt like a little old lady in the body of an 18 year old. After a little over two months I finally convinced my doctor(s) with a lot of help from my parents that the tube HAD to go because I couldn't function like a normal person! For some reason the site wasn't healing and was causing me many problems so my doctors agreed that it had to be removed. Anyway so long story short, the tube came out and I am now back to doing NG tube feedings. Things have been really difficult but I am not giving up. I have to get better for my family because I have put them through so much and feel so guilty. I don't want to keep on destroying their lives because of what I am doing to myself. I also want to live an ED free life for me!! Two more months and I will be off at college and want to give it my all. I don't want my eating disorder to get in the way of my dreams anymore. I just wish it was easier to overcome this monster inside of me that has taken over my life for way too long. Hopefully things will get easier eventually the more I try and believe that I CAN get over this one day.
xxx
