"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." (-M. Kathleen Casey). But is it really?

I have grown up hearing this quote over and over again, so much so that I don't even think twice about what it may actually mean. I like to believe that suffering is optional but the more and more I experience pain and disappointment in my life, the less faith I can put into a quote such as this. I suffer everyday from an Eating Disorder that I did not ask for and most definitely is not something I do by choice (I don't care what some trained professionals say about this!). It just happened, and my suffering from it is not by any means "optional" (and those who struggle or have struggled with an Eating Disorder in the past will know what I mean by this). Yes I have the option to listen (or not to listen) to what the demon, who I like to call "Ana," screams in my ear day and night, but do I have the option whether or not to suffer internally? No I do not, not at this point anyway. I wish more than anything that I could, however, the strong person I once was has disappeared. I am no longer strong. Instead, I am weak, lost, and out of control. Inside I am a mess and the hardest part for me to accept is the fact that everything lies in my own hands: what I choose to do with my feelings and the ways in which I choose to act on them. A lot of the time I let my pain get the better of me and end up making poor and just plain out stupid choices that hurt me in the long run. If only I knew HOW to deal with the pain that causes my suffering. The past four years that I have spent in and out of treatment for my Anorexia at various difference treatment facilities has given me some tools (I'm not going to lie haha), but the root and cause of why I feel so much pain is something I still wander each and every day. Like I said, I'm a mess.

So, why I am telling you all of this I'm not even sure. I guess tonight I am just looking for some sort of an escape and this is where it lead me to: my blog. Hopefully in the morning my thoughts will be clearer....if that is even possible. Until then, I will just keep praying....and praying....and praying, until I finally pray myself to sleep. 

♥ xoxo ♥