June!

I haven't blogged in a while because so much has been going on in my life these past couple of months! I had to hospitalized again in February because I lost consciousness and since then my life has just been a crazy roller coaster of ups and downs both mentally and physicaly. I was send home with an NG tube and two weeks later had a PEG tube placed which hurt like hell! I was in so much pain that I could hardly move and had to go everywhere in a wheel chair for 2 weeks straight and after already having being stuck in a wheel chair in the hospital for 2 weeks because I was physically unable to walk ( though thankfully physical therapy helped me get back on my feet right before my discharge) I was beyond frustrated! I just felt like giving up and felt so hopeless inside. I thought my life was over. I was depended on EVERYONE. I felt like a little old lady in the body of an 18 year old. After a little over two months I finally convinced my doctor(s) with a lot of help from my parents that the tube HAD to go because I couldn't function like a normal person! For some reason the site wasn't healing and was causing me many problems so my doctors agreed that it had to be removed. Anyway so long story short, the tube came out and I am now back to doing NG tube feedings. Things have been really difficult but I am not giving up. I have to get better for my family because I have put them through so much and feel so guilty. I don't want to keep on destroying their lives because of what I am doing to myself. I also want to live an ED free life for me!! Two more months and I will be off at college and want to give it my all. I don't want my eating disorder to get in the way of my dreams anymore. I just wish it was easier to overcome this monster inside of me that has taken over my life for way too long. Hopefully things will get easier eventually the more I try and believe that I CAN get over this one day. 
xxx

"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." (-M. Kathleen Casey). But is it really?

I have grown up hearing this quote over and over again, so much so that I don't even think twice about what it may actually mean. I like to believe that suffering is optional but the more and more I experience pain and disappointment in my life, the less faith I can put into a quote such as this. I suffer everyday from an Eating Disorder that I did not ask for and most definitely is not something I do by choice (I don't care what some trained professionals say about this!). It just happened, and my suffering from it is not by any means "optional" (and those who struggle or have struggled with an Eating Disorder in the past will know what I mean by this). Yes I have the option to listen (or not to listen) to what the demon, who I like to call "Ana," screams in my ear day and night, but do I have the option whether or not to suffer internally? No I do not, not at this point anyway. I wish more than anything that I could, however, the strong person I once was has disappeared. I am no longer strong. Instead, I am weak, lost, and out of control. Inside I am a mess and the hardest part for me to accept is the fact that everything lies in my own hands: what I choose to do with my feelings and the ways in which I choose to act on them. A lot of the time I let my pain get the better of me and end up making poor and just plain out stupid choices that hurt me in the long run. If only I knew HOW to deal with the pain that causes my suffering. The past four years that I have spent in and out of treatment for my Anorexia at various difference treatment facilities has given me some tools (I'm not going to lie haha), but the root and cause of why I feel so much pain is something I still wander each and every day. Like I said, I'm a mess.

So, why I am telling you all of this I'm not even sure. I guess tonight I am just looking for some sort of an escape and this is where it lead me to: my blog. Hopefully in the morning my thoughts will be clearer....if that is even possible. Until then, I will just keep praying....and praying....and praying, until I finally pray myself to sleep. 

♥ xoxo ♥

First Blog Post in a Year!

Well so it has been way to long since I last blogged! It's pretty ridiculous actually and quite honestly I had just kind of forgotten about my blog until a friend of mine recently shared how she has started blogging and how much she enjoys doing it! And that got me thinking, hmmm maybe I ought to start blogging again just to see where it takes me. Since my last post (which was over a year ago) A LOT has happened. I am not living on my own nor am I away at college. In fact, I only just started college this month due to being in the hospital for complications due to my Eating Disorder and overall just not doing very well. I have experienced many ups and downs over the course of this past year and have found myself being in a very dark and unhappy place plagued by distorted thinking and poor body image, something that is still on my mind constantly. Having an Eating Disorder is like having someone tell you 24/7 that you are worthless and disgusting and that you don't deserve to ever be happy and that is exactly how I have been feeling lately. After getting out of the hospital for the 45788783#@907th time last November and being stuck in the ICU and almost dying, the little hope that I did have is slowly disappearing. I am at that point now that I am just able to accept that I may never get over this and that I will probably struggle for the rest of my life. I don't like to think of myself as a "hopeless person" because I'm not...I do still have some hope left that recovery IS possible for me, but whether that hope will last long enough to get me to that point where I can with confidence say that "I am recovered"  is what I am most afraid of.